I believe I have been bad. That I am unloved and unlovable. I have done things I am ashamed of
and know if you knew of them you would think less of me.
Is this true?
It doesn’t matter, I believe you would and so it is true for me. This belief makes it impossible for me to hear your praise, accept your compliments or even fully enjoy my accomplishments. It drives me to constantly struggle to be good, better, best. It is not enough to be a good friend, wife, daughter, I must be the best ever or destroy myself in the effort. My ego will accept nothing less.
I am so tired.
I know I have been running this race since I was in kindergarten. I am not entirely sure who or what placed me on this treadmill but here I am.
At just past 70 I am wearing out and know I can’t keep this pace up. Even if I could, I no longer want to. I want to see the person others see when they look at me. I want to believe I am the person they talk about and I want to let go of the thought that I am somehow not okay. I was told that the feelings of low self-worth are only thoughts and not fact. Whenever I start tearing myself down, I should look at the evidence to see if it supports the feeling. If in fact I am doing something I don’t like, then I can work towards changing it BUT if the evidence says otherwise, then I have to let go of the feeling and call it is false. So this is my new mantra:
I will stop beating myself up about yesterday. I can’t change it and even if I could, I shouldn’t for in those experiences lie the seeds of who I am today.
I will give myself the same benefit of the doubt I give others.
I will cut myself the same slack I cut others.
I will accept myself as I am where I am and know it is a good thing.
I will do the best I can today and know it is the best I can do and no one could ask for more.
Today I will love me as I love you,
and today I will love you as I love myself.
Not better than myself but in the same way.
I will forget what I have thought and heard and give myself
the gift of acceptance.